


jamie

by thisisbeebo



Category: idk - Fandom, my own
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-05
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-07-29 10:14:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7680451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisisbeebo/pseuds/thisisbeebo





	jamie

Jamie,  
today I met you.  
you were standing outside, alone, by a big tree.  
I went to my little brother’s elementary school  
to pick him up.  
there’s a lot I could explain about you,  
but the details are meaningless.  
I believe only myself really  
cared what you looked like.  
you looked scared,  
but I didn’t bother to wonder why  
I took my brother and drove off,  
watching you stand there, alone.  
goodbye, I thought.

 

Jamie,  
It was monday.  
after school I went to the door to pick up my brother.  
you were holding a denim bag,  
waving it back and forth.  
you began hitting it against the big tree.  
don’t you know how to be careful?  
you looked at me for the first time.  
it was a quick glance, and you went back   
to hitting the bag against the tree. I glared at you,  
hoping you would stop. you didn’t.  
your cheeks became rosy  
and you were finally tired out.  
I took my brother and drove home.  
you were sat against the tree, the bag five feet from you  
there was a book lying close to the bag,  
out of a gaping rip.  
I rubbed my eyes. Don’t be stupid, Jamie.  
“hey, you’d never do that right?”  
I yelled to my brother.  
“do what?” he said.  
I didn’t reply.

 

 

Jamie,   
you were there again. this time not alone.  
a girl, taller than you.  
she leaned over you, ruffling your hair.  
she would blush.  
you wouldn’t say anything to her.  
my brother  
had gone to one of his friends and was busy talking.  
I stood 50 feet away.  
the girl’s dad came and carried her away.  
“bye, Jamiee!” she called.  
you looked up at her but wouldn’t smile.  
my brother came running back.  
we drove away. you were gone when I looked back.

 

Jamie,  
bandages. your little knees were patched up,  
your denim bag was gone. where was the girl?  
you sat alone, like the first day I saw you.  
“come on, I want to go home,”  
my brother pleaded.  
“can we wait a little bit?”  
I wanted to see your parents.  
my brother groaned   
and punched me in the side.  
you looked at me again.  
your eyes were darker.  
how was it, jamie?  
feeling pain?  
you have to learn that life   
doesn’t let you off any chains.  
I took my brother and left.  
you were pouting.  
stop it Jamie.  
I couldn’t see you  
be sad

 

 

Jamie,  
my brother came home  
with stories about you.  
he said you got a new haircut, and that it caused a stir.  
he said you have long hair beforehand,  
and that the teacher would mention it all day.  
he said you didn’t say anything about it.  
that day, when I came to pick him up from school,  
you weren’t there.  
the girl with the blonde hair and flushed cheeks was, though.  
“all the girls loved it.  
they kept touching his hair.  
the teacher didn’t really care,” he said,  
pulling on my sleeve.  
I didn’t know why he was telling me any of this.  
“I want to be his friend but…”  
he would put his finger on his lips and nibble on the tip.  
“I don’t think he likes me.”  
I patted his shoulder and told him that I’m sure that wasn’t the case.

 

Jamie,  
it was saturday  
and I couldn’t see you.  
my brother told me about a day you brought a rat to school.  
“all the girls were screeching.  
it was horrible!” he widened his eyes,   
which made him believe the story would be made more interesting.  
he said that you rescued the rat  
before it ran into a trap, and brought it to school  
because you didn’t want to leave it alone.  
Jamie, why on earth would you save a wild rat?  
there are plenty on earth already.   
losing one rat wouldn’t be the end of the world.  
losing ten rats wouldn’t be the end either.  
you’re special aren’t you?  
I’m sure the rat appreciated the gesture.  
thank you, on behalf of the scrawny rat.

 

 

 

Jamie,  
tuesday,  
I walked into the classroom at 11:30 am.  
my brother had a dentist appointment to get to at noon.  
he was with his friends.  
you were in the corner desk, next to that girl.  
she was licking her lips,  
and stared at me as I went up to the door.  
you didn’t look up.  
a few students waved at my brother,  
and he skipped out the door with me.  
“Jamie having a bad day?”  
I asked when we were reasonably down the hallway.  
“he doesn’t like Katie.”  
“who’s that?”  
“the annoying girl that sits by him. don’t tell her I said that.”  
I promised him I wouldn’t  
does this ‘annoying girl’ love you, Jamie?  
have you ever experienced love? I hoped you hadn’t.  
and not the kind of love for a rat… although I suppose  
rats and humans do have some similarities.  
save your heart. Jamie.  
wait for a mouse.

 

Jamie,  
I said hello to you.  
you looked up from your broken denim bag and smiled.  
you have a nice smile, you know.  
it would be nice to show it more often.  
monday was a drag,   
but I got to see you.  
my instant coffee tasted a little better than usual.  
you wore a blue shirt. a flannel.  
was blue your favorite color?  
as we left, you tapped a little beat on your knees.  
I tapped with you, but you couldn’t hear.  
you wouldn’t listen to me, anyways.  
keep smiling, Jamie.  
it looks good on you.  
see you tomorrow.

 

Jamie,   
my brother says you left home sick.  
I drove home and played my piano.  
I could see your thin hands dancing along the keys.  
maybe someday I could teach you, Jamie.  
you could tap your beat and I would play a melody along.  
please be there the next day.  
I almost let myself get worried.  
my brother told me that yesterday you seemed sad  
because that girl kept bothering you.  
oh, wouldn’t you just learn to love her back?  
let those rosy cheeks be put to use.  
she could be the mouse, Jamie.

 

Jamie,  
I went to drop my brother off at school, and watched him go inside  
you were sitting there, at the tree  
face in your hands.  
blood ran down your knees.  
you didn’t make a sound.  
what happened, Jamie?  
did you trip?  
did someone push you over?  
I wanted to know. I looked over.  
I saw one eye peek out from between your knobby knuckles.  
blue eyes.  
did you get those from your mother?  
the blood made your skin look pale.  
my brother was long gone inside,  
so I drove home.

 

 

 

Jamie,  
“he likes me!” my brother cried.  
he smiled and bounced around.  
“he wants to be friends,”  
he blabbered.  
“today Katie wasn’t there, so he talked to me, finally.”  
I took my brother’s small hand  
and held it.  
I asked him about you.  
“he doesn’t talk a lot.  
he told me that he doesn’t think  
he’s smart enough to say much.”  
why do you think that?  
I wanted to talk to you.  
what did your voice sound like, Jamie?  
was it soft? was it thin and weak  
like your legs and arms?  
you’re a fragile thing, Jamie.  
breakable. like me.

 

Jamie,  
my brother wants to have you over tomorrow.  
he promises it will be fun.  
he said goodbye to you today.  
he smiled and ran to me.  
“see, friends?”  
I smiled at you. thank you.  
you patted a beat on your legs,  
and then snapped with your fingers.  
I heard it as I held my brother’s  
hand and walked away.  
we turned the corner, and I could still hear your little rhythm.  
you had a new bag.  
red, just like the dry blood on your knees.  
it wasn’t as big as that denim bag,  
but it seemed to hold your books just fine.  
I could no longer hear your beat  
but it had become my heartbeat.  
have a goodnight, Jamie.

 

Jamie,  
my brother walked home today.  
he threw his backpack to the floor.  
“is he coming over?”  
he looked at me.  
I didn’t know. I shrugged.  
“Mom says he is,” he said.  
I wanted to talk to you,  
but you were my brother’s friend, not mine.  
you had no idea who I was.  
I made myself instant coffee.  
it was grossly bitter and dry.  
do you like coffee, Jamie?  
I’m sure you don’t. most people your age don’t.  
maybe someday  
you’ll cope with the bitterness and dryness of this world,  
Jamie. 

 

Jamie,  
please come over again, tomorrow.  
I feel like now you would talk with me.  
you no longer wore bandages on your knees.  
“we are best friends now,”  
my brother told me, at least once every hour.  
let’s be best friends.  
tell me about that rat, about your new red bag.  
about getting your haircut,  
about the annoying girls in your class.  
Jamie,  
tell me about your scrapes  
and I’ll tell you about mine.  
today as we drove home   
I saw birds on a power line.  
do birds get hurt there?  
I suppose if rats and humans can,  
ravens can too.

 

 

Jamie,  
“no thanks.”  
those were the first words you spoke to me  
you didn’t want water, or coffee.  
I don’t know why I offered you coffee.  
habit.  
I was nervous. I was wearing a sweatshirt.  
you were wearing jeans.  
if you had new bandages, I couldn’t see them.  
hiding your wounds doesn’t make it hurt any less.  
you ran off to my brother’s room with him.  
why couldn’t I just talk to you?  
I just wanted to talk to you.  
you only came downstairs once,  
to ask if you and my brother could go outside.  
you both ran out the door laughing, but you looked at me and stopped  
what were you trying to say?  
why can’t you just talk to me?  
just talk to me just talk to me just talk  
I threw the glass of water I was holding into the sink.  
it shattered as I shouted in rage and pain.  
I just wanted  
to  
talk  
to you

 

Jamie,  
why did you come to our house that day by yourself?  
why wouldn’t you talk to me?  
a shard from the broken glass slit my thumb.  
I looked at it and thought of you.  
you impacted pain on me.  
but I forgive you.  
it was the weekend again,  
and I wouldn’t see you for a couple days.  
my brother was happy because of you.  
he told me how much fun you were.  
you made him happy.  
you save people, don’t you?  
you’re a savior. to that rat.  
how do you do it?  
I started patting my legs and snapped,  
just like the rhythm you created.  
pat, pat, snap, snap, pat,  
snap.

 

Jamie,  
my family and I went to church.  
I wore a bandaid on my thumb.  
it was communion, and the wine was sour.  
on the altar, was a thick wrap of blue tulle.  
the color was dark, like your eyes  
when you were hurt.  
I didn’t believe in god. if he was real,  
why would you have blood crusted on your skin?  
we went home from the church.  
I sat in the backseat and tapped that rhythm.  
I would pick my brother up, the next day,  
and see you again.  
until then, Jamie.

 

Jamie,  
saturday at lunch time,  
I sat down with my brother.  
he looked at me with watering eyes.  
I asked him what was wrong.  
he told me that he loved you.  
I asked what he meant.  
he said that you were his favorite person.  
then he asked me why I was crying.  
I held him close to my chest and told him I loved you too.  
we pinky promised that I’d keep quiet.  
I kissed my brother and held his hand.  
my thumb was completely healed.  
I think my brother’s heart was too, that day.  
you’ve saved another person, Jamie.

 

 

Jamie,  
I hadn’t told anyone  
that my brother loved you.  
he wore a suit to school that monday,  
he said he wanted to look good.  
I walked to get him after school and found him  
crying by that big tree.  
you weren’t at school, he said.  
he had groomed himself for no reason, he said.  
we drove home, and I told him it would be alright.  
I drank two glasses of instant coffee.  
I played on the piano,  
wishing you were there to hear it.  
my brother came into my room at midnight,  
crying lightly to me.  
he told me a girl poked fun at him for dressing up.  
I told him there’s no way to please everyone.  
I sat him on the piano bench, and told him it’s okay to cry.  
we played a song together.  
twinkle twinkle little star,  
how I wonder what you are.

 

Jamie,  
you were there today.  
you said my name  
you told me goodbye.  
how come you didn’t smile at me?  
the big tree had grown greener  
as the winter faded.  
it continued to be your backrest.  
you had abused it,  
but it had learned to forgive.  
my brother talked to you for a few minutes before we left.  
I took his hand and we walked to the car.  
goodbye.  
pat, pat, snap, snap, pat, snap.

 

 

Jamie,  
hello again.  
today you made my brother smile. a lot.  
I saw you patting your rhythm, but you began to hum.  
you hummed something I couldn’t make out,  
and sat there with your bag.  
I took my brother home.  
our mom told us we were invited to dinner during the weekend,  
with you and your dad.  
you were having a birthday party.  
my brother couldn’t have been more happy.  
I drowned myself with more instant coffee  
I hummed your tune, and found the notes on the piano.  
B, e flat, e, e flat, a  
I’d play it over and over  
until I fell asleep  
B, e flat, e, e flat, a

 

Jamie,  
the weekend was almost there.  
I found my brother at the door, and you at the tree.  
he waved and you waved back.  
your eyes were lighter than usual.  
you almost smiled at me.  
I took my brother home.  
we read a book at home, about a happy couple. newlyweds.  
I wouldnt explain it because  
loves shouldn’t matter to you  
yet, Jamie. 

 

Jamie,  
I saw my brother sitting alone, today.  
today was supposed to be the happy day.  
he told me rumors were going around that you liked  
one of the girls in class, annamarie.  
I told him rumors are just rumors,  
and that they probably weren’t true.  
this was the day of his party, and i didn’t want to ruin it.  
my brother wanted to look nice,  
I gelled his hair,  
and pulled out some of his nice shoes from the back of the closet.  
they ended up being too small,  
but he wore them anyways.  
he wore them anyways,  
because he loved you, Jamie.  
he was willing to hurt himself  
for you.

 

Jamie,  
I was wrong.  
the blue eyes are from your dad.  
it was a pleasure,  
to share greasy fries with you.  
to have to give you all of my napkins.  
your dad doesn’t talk much, does he?  
banker, he is. he’s nice.  
he looks like you, only stronger.  
I’m not saying you’re weak,  
that’s the complete opposite of you.  
does your dad pick you up from school everyday?  
why is he so late?  
does he know about your bloody knees?  
what did you think about Annamarie?  
I didn’t get a chance to ask.  
we went home, and I fell asleep.  
my brother was happy, Jamie.  
but was I? 

 

Jamie,  
it was monday.  
after school, my brother walked out,  
looking the happiest as he ever as.  
you were by the tree.  
with Annabelle.  
she had her hand held tightly in yours.  
she looked at you with eyes only young lovers have.  
I saw my brother look at you like that, but you looked away.  
he saw you.  
he paused.  
and ran to me.

 

Jamie,  
my brother ran into my room  
he had no tears left on his face.  
he screamed and told me  
he didn’t love you anymore.  
I asked him why,  
but he couldn’t get the words out.  
what have you done, Jamie?  
I put a sugar cube in my coffee that night.  
my brother sat in his room that evening, staring at the wall.  
what are you staring at, I asked.  
the map, he answered.  
I didn’t question him.  
I brought him his favorite blanket that he had left in the basement.  
I asked him,  
does having your heart heal hurt worse  
than it being broken?  
he said yes, and I sat with him.  
his hand was cold with sweat, Jamie. 

 

Jamie,  
my brother wouldn’t go to school.  
he faked sick.  
he came and sat in my room, continuing to stare at the wall.  
he truly believed he was your mouse.  
I could tell the image of you and Annamarie was constantly running through his mind.  
my brother’s too small, too fragile.  
I never should have let him tell me his feelings, I gave him hope.  
there’s no hope.  
you realize that, Jamie?  
how dare you? 

 

 

I set the letters down.   
“That’s it?” The officer looked at me with doubt and dullness in his eyes.   
“Yeah.”  
He stood up and left the small concrete room.   
Another officer, a lady, looking ruthless and determined, came in. She sat down in front of me and pressed start on the recorder.  
She tapped her fingers.  
Just like Jamie used to. 

She crossed her arms.  
“Where were you last night between 8:00 and 9:00 pm?”


End file.
